I knew I should have paid attention when my new boyfriend showed me a text from his former girlfriend. He and I were out to dinner and his phone was blowing up with text messages from her. He ignored them at first, but then he read her messages and began shaking his head in disbelief.
“What is she saying to you?” I asked him.
“Ugh… she’s crazy. Here, you can read them for yourself,” he said.
He handed me his phone and I read them, one by one, and they were brutally harsh. At first I was happy to see how transparent he was about her texts, proving to me that he had nothing to hide. But what she wrote made me feel so uncomfortable. I felt tingling up and down my spine, and even a little nauseous. Because deep down, I worried that what she was saying was actually the truth.
“You are SUCH an asshole. I can’t believe how you can so easily go from me to her in just a matter of days. Does she know the truth about you? Just a few weeks ago you were sleeping with me, telling me that you loved me, and now you have found someone else, just like that, with absolutely no conscience! I feel sorry for her… because you will end up discarding her, just like you did me. I should get her number and tell her the truth!”
I felt a little panic rise within, and wondered if he was really who he said he was. I so badly wanted to believe him – he was everything I dreamed of in a man. I asked him a few probing questions about her, and he assured me that she was emotionally imbalanced and taking a lot of medication. “She’s probably having another episode,” he said. “I just ignore her.”
Fast forward to 8 months later, where my relationship ended with him. He nonchalantly admitted to cheating on me after I found his Match.com profile active in another state. Not only was he cheating, he was already in another relationship. So, you can imagine, those texts from his former girlfriend haunted me. Ironically, I sent a similar rant of texts to him, which went unanswered – probably because he was on a date with his new girlfriend.
I reported him to Match.com, warning them that he was a pathological liar and a player. He even had pictures of him and I together on a trip on his dating profile, and because he did not have my permission, the dating site took him down.
But they had no control over whether he could easily start a new profile under a different user name, which he did, of course.
If only I had access to all the women he dated, where we could share our experiences and warn others of his harmful behavior. Unfortunately, online dating offers a secure environment for narcissists, married men, cheaters and scam artists who go from state to state, luring in women, without them ever knowing who they really are. If only I could have warned others – but the technology never existed for me to do so.
I am totally psyched to tell you about a website that allows women to safely and anonymously share their dating experiences. It’s called Undolus.com, and it allows you to do two amazing things: Investigate your date and rate your date.
This site has partnered with an esteemed background checking company to offer you important details about your date including his name and address, date of birth, criminal record, as well as property and business ownership information. It will also tell you if he has filed for bankruptcy or if he’s been evicted, as well as other pertinent information you won’t be able to find with a Google search. Imagine how much time and potential heartbreak that would save you!
You can also rate your date, which means if you’ve dated him and he lacks important relationship attributes or gave you some serious red flags, you can share it anonymously within the site’s membership platform. Just imagine – you get to warn others that he isn’t as special as he appears to be! Or perhaps he was actually a nice guy, except you two didn’t click and you want others to know that he is datable and safe – you could even give him a good rating!
So this means when YOU go on a date and want to see if this guy has been rated, you can see how he checks out on Undolus.com. Keep in mind, the site is still new so if you don’t see your guy featured on the site, it doesn’t mean he is a keeper. Still be cautious. But if it doesn’t work out, make sure you post your feedback to let other women know about his dating potential.
This site was developed by two women who, after their divorces, struggled to find a datable man without the hassle and major time investment (one is now re-married). So, they built an online platform where women can investigate and rate their dates, safely and appropriately (meaning, they aren’t allowed to bash or slander a person). Is this not genius? If only this existed when I was dating.
As always, be safe out there when dating. When you see a red flag, trust it. Communicate your concerns to your date, and if you don’t get the answer you wanted, then you may want to move on. Share your experiences with others, especially if the guy is a bad egg – it’s up to them to listen, but I do feel that women need to stand together and help each other – even if they’re strangers.
And my goodness, do a background check on this guy – go to Undolus.com and get started. I just recently interviewed one of the founders for my podcast – be sure to listen below. Join me in congratulating the founders on creating such an important tool for women – I can’t thank them enough!
If you’ve been cheated on, then you know how crippling it can be to your self-esteem. It can send a crumbling ripple effect to your ego, making you feel worthless for many months, if not years.
You play the blame game, and you play it well. You’re the victim, and you give your cheater immense power over you. You may look for answers but you may never get them. And because you don’t have a real answer as to why he cheated, all you can do is blame.
“If only I had complimented him more,” you think.
“If only I had more reasonable.”
“If only I was prettier… thinner… funnier.”
But let me tell you a secret: every time you say, “If only…,” you are cheating on yourself.
And when you cheat on yourself, it’s the ultimate betrayal. It means you don’t value who you are. You don’t respect your boundaries. You think you’re aren’t good enough.
So if YOU feel that way about yourself, why is he not allowed to think the same?
Why does he get all the blame, and you take none of it?
Of course, the cheater is initially responsible. But once it’s done and you find out, how you react to it is entirely up to you. If you can’t raise your head high, and know that what he did has nothing to do with you, then you are cheating on yourself.
Because it’s not okay for someone to abuse your trust.
It’s not okay for someone to give you less than 100% love and safety.
It’s not okay for someone to lower the bar in the relationship and pretend it’s otherwise.
The minute you think that it is okay, then you are cheating on yourself.
When you stop cheating on yourself, it means that you know you are worth someone’s time and emotional investment. It means you open to receiving greatness, and willing to give it someone else. But if you continue to cheat, then you will be forever stuck in sorrow.
Even if your spouse or partner doesn’t physically/sexually cheat on you, but he treats you poorly with emotional abuse, as long as you put up with it, you’re cheating on yourself.
So essentially, it doesn’t matter what is done to you by someone else. All that matters is how you honor yourself, and uphold your integrity with the highest level of respect.
Remember this when you feel the urge to text him looking for answers, or when your feelings were hurt and didn’t communicate them. Remember this if he blows you off for several hours, but then apologizes and you let him back in (when you know it doesn’t feel right). If you don’t trust your instincts but expect someone else to provide that trust for you, you will continue to cheat and be let down.
In my coaching practice, I always tell my clients to strengthen the voice within that says, “That’s not okay.” You truly know when it’s not okay – but be sure to say it. And if someone walks away from you after you say, “It’s not okay,” then let him go. He ain’t worth it.
You have this remarkable freedom to get what you desire, but only if you stay true to your word. As Miguel Ruiz says in his book, The Four Agreements:
“Being impeccable with your word is the correct use of your energy; it means to use your energy in the direction of truth and love for yourself… It is through the word that you manifest everything… Self-rejection is the biggest sin you can commit.”
But you know this already… you just needed a little reminder.
When we experience fear, worry, or sadness, we are not aligned with our true self, our Spirit, or the divine within. Our ego takes over and more often, we don’t even recognize that it is. Our ego is the opposite of divine love.
It gives us many false messages such as:
- You have been rejected due to the absence or departure of another
- Something was “done” to you and you don’t have control over it
- You feel abandoned or ignored due to the absence or departure of another When our ego takes over our mind, we feel powerless.
However, if you were aligned with your true self, you would receive these messages:
- The person who is no longer in your life clearly lives with fear. You wish them strength to conquer their fears, but you are glad you no longer are associated with a fearful person. Because after all, fear is contagious.
- You acknowledge and accept your actions that led you to the person that hurt you. You honor the event and receive a lesson from it. You experience gratitude towards the event, because it is a reminder that you were not living your truth, otherwise, the person would have never hurt you.
- There is no such thing as abandonment, because that word is only a perception of what is. You fill yourself with love and new things to do, now that this person is no longer in your life.
Rather than sitting with a void that you believe can only filled by another, you know that this void was already there before you met this person, and you will fill it with love for you.
In relationships, we falsely give the other immense responsibility to give you love.
A partner should be an addition to the love you already have, not the full source.
So when that person is no longer there, we feel an immense void and loss, and then tend to rely on other people or things to fill that void.
We fail to look within ourselves to do that work.
When you are aligned with your truth, you have a set of beliefs by which you live.
Now, think of your truth as your book of rules, per say.
Generally speaking, what happens when rules get broken? There are consequences – some kind of action needs to be taken, right?
Now let’s choose a better word over ‘rules’ because it sounds so rigid. Let’s call your rules boundaries instead.
So if you know your truth, then you have a set of boundaries. And if those boundaries ever get crossed, there are consequences!
Let’s say you’re dating someone new, and you are the kind of person who is punctual, and expects others to be the same. In your truth, respecting a person’s time is gravely important. People may not agree with your truth, but it doesn’t matter, it’s YOUR truth, not theirs.
However, if you offer your time and heart to someone, you expect someone to respect it – this is your boundary.
So, if your new date, whom you like, is consistently late, you will speak up. You may even gently pass a warning of a consequence (hint: no more dating you!).
Or you may not even give a warning, you may just dump them altogether.
So far, in this scenario, you are honoring your truth. You don’t like tardiness and you held your boundary.
Now here’s where you align with it:
- You don’t feel guilty about speaking up.
- Should your date be offended and never call you again, you don’t second guess yourself.
- You know how awesome you are, and you know that someone who is equally awesome will cross your path.
- And because of that, you won’t waste your time with someone who doesn’t respect it.
So here’s your first exercise to help you align with your truth. Write this down.
Step 1: What is one thing you believe strongly in? Pick anything – it could be your faith, politics, how you parent, how you date
Step 2: What are your hard core deal breakers – meaning, you will speak up or remove yourself from a situation should boundaries be crossed?
Step 3: How have you ignored this thing that you believe in? Think of examples from your past relationships, and what you didn’t do about it.
Step 4: How would you react differently, now that you have aligned with your truth?
Healing from a past relationship means knowing what you believe in now, so you don’t repeat the same mistakes later!
Since I’ve returned to coaching after my one-year hiatus, I’ve had 32 phone calls with women in just the past few weeks, from women all over the world. These women are either struggling to exit an unhealthy relationship, or they just left it, but are still dealing with their ex’s manipulative behavior. Each woman has a different story, but all of them share one consistent theme: they are over tolerating. They tolerate physical abuse, verbal abuse, alcoholism, gambling, porn addiction, or just fill in the blank, and they are tolerating that too. This is an epidemic facing women, and we are seeing it unfold in Hollywood, in Congress, in the workplace, and it’s been going on behind our white picket fences as well.
We need to speak up – for ourselves and for each other. Sexual assault and relationship abuse will only continue if we keep quiet. Each of us play a role in maintaining zero tolerance. Take a listen to this video, and comment below – how are you going to speak up, either in your relationship, or for someone you know?
If you find this issue just as important as I do, please share this page on your social media page, with friends, via email and use the hashtag #SpeakUp – let’s start breaking down the walls of silence!
How many times have you felt like you’ve gone mad because one day your narcissistic partner loves you and the next day he is mean or simply not empathetic? (Or if you’re divorced to him, perhaps he acts very cooperative one day and then he is completely uncooperative and not logical the next).
Let’s say you are upset with him, and you say to yourself, “This time I am done. This is over.”
But because he is a savvy manipulator, he’s already onto you, and sense your retreat.
And because narcissists have a huge fear of abandonment as well as someone shattering his false image, he will do everything he can to make sure your anger at him was truly nothing.
He may first…
• Negate your feelings and call you overly emotional
• Position himself as a victim of YOUR bad behavior
• Position himself as a martyr in that he has sacrificed so much for you and the family (so how dare you need things from him)
So you then…
• Say sorry
• Think he’s right
• Feel horribly guilty for having such feelings of wanting to leave
• Rewards you for seeing “the light” or seeing “his side”
• He is nice for a while, kind, maybe even really loving
So you then..
• Silently think you were crazy for thinking anything was wrong because he is now proving to you how nice of a guy he is
• Pretend that anything he has ever done wrong didn’t exist
• Give, give, and give some more, hoping he will love you the way you had always hoped.
• Feel him slipping away as he gives you only shreds of hope, just enough to keep you around.
• Become depressed, unwanted, validated that you are unlovable.
• Ask him for attention, question his busy life or work schedule, want him to pay attention to YOU for five minutes, all for the hope that he isn’t the person who you think he is.
So he then:
• Negates your feelings and call you overly emotional
• Positions himself as a victim of YOUR bad behavior
• Positions himself as a martyr in that he has sacrificed so much for you and the family (so how dare you need things from him)
And so the cycle repeats itself again, and again – which is what I call the Cycle of Narcissistic Despair, which is what I cover my Break Free course.
This cycle is perhaps the most destructive to someone who is involved with a narcissist. If it goes on for years, it can significantly impact your self-esteem and you can be stuck in the relationship forever.
But know this – you are NOT crazy – all you want is unconditional love, but unfortunately, you are never going to get it from a narcissist. They are incapable of unconditional love.
You CAN break free – I’ve done it, my clients have done it – now it’s your turn.