There’s nothing worse than ending a relationship and your ex moves on before you. Even if you knew the relationship was beyond repairing and you have accepted its end, when you hear they have moved on with another person, it leaves you wondering, “Why is he able to be that nice guy with her, but not with me?”
And what happens when you are still reeling from pain and bitterness, and he just creates a new life, without looking back? And what happens if your children love his new girlfriend?
This is what I hear from my clients all the time:
- If they like the new girlfriend, I’m afraid that a) the kids will think it’s my fault the marriage ended or b) they will like her more than me.
- Our marriage ended because he refused to change, yet he changed instantly when he met his new girlfriend.
So let’s tackle these. First, you WANT your kids to like the new girlfriend, even if you don’t like her or if she was the home wrecker, etc. If they see their dad happy, then it puts less stress on them. All you should care about is the wellbeing of your kids. I’ve seen cases where the kids hate the girlfriend, and it’s incredibly stressful for all, so rejoice in this, don’t fear it.
And let’s just say they do like her more than you – so what? You are their mother, not their best friend. I always tell my kids, “I don’t care if you like me, but you must respect me.” No one has the God-gifted ability to nurture and love like a mother, so you have zero competition. And who cares if they think it’s your fault – when you LOVE them, they will learn that it doesn’t matter.
But remember, kids are smart – if they pick up on your insecurity that “she” is better than you, they will feel insecure and stressed. YOU are the CEO of your household. And when the boss isn’t acting like a leader, then her workers will worry about their fate. Your kids aren’t the leaders – YOU are. So act like one!
When you say to your kids, “I love how much you are being loved by her,” they will be so relieved by your confidence, and not stressed that they have to keep things from you.
Let’s talk about point #2 – and check your ego at the door. When you obsess over how much of a better guy he is without you, you give away your power to him. There are so many factors as to why he has “changed,” you could go crazy trying to think of them. So don’t. It doesn’t matter.
There was something about him that enamored you to marry him in the first place, so how do you know he’s not putting on the same act? Send this new woman some mental love, and hope she figures him out. If she doesn’t, then even better – because it’s one less broken heart in this world (and your kids don’t need to witness another breakup).
It doesn’t matter how or why he moved on. It has nothing to do with you, nor is it about you. Just observe his absence and ask, “What am I missing? What can I give myself that he was never able to do?”
Buy yourself some flowers. Have a romantic evening with yourself. Watch a good chick-flick and walk around naked if you want!
Because YOU will never break up with YOU. Ever. Your inner spirit is your best love you’ll ever have.