Meet Susan Eckstein, empowerment coach, badass, mom warrior and advocate. Eight years ago she divorced her husband and made the brave choice to be the non-custodial parent, a heart-wrenching decision she made for her two boys. For years she hid her decision from her social circle, until she decided, only recently, to release her shame, define motherhood for herself, and share her journey with the world.
And for all you non-custodial dads out there, listen to this! This episode is also for you.
Find Susan at www.susanecksteincoaching.com
How many times have you texted your ex and gotten no response? Or when you ask for reimbursement on something and you lose track of all that you are owed? Or what about all those texts between the tow of you and you can’t keep track of all that back and forth? Finally, there’s a solution and it’s called Fayr – a robust app that makes coparenting easier. I talk with Michael Daniels, founder of Fayr and divorced father of two. He shares his personal story of his divorce, losing everything, living out of his car and his big idea that got him back on his feet, helping millions of parents struggling with coparenting.
Ready to get the app? Go to BeFayr.com and sign up using the discount code “Lindsey1” – NOTE: You must go through website and not the app store to get the discount!
P.S. – Check out his appearance on Planet of the Apps, Apple TV’s reality show for rising tech stars HERE and see how Gwyneth Paltrow backs his investment. Pretty cool!
If you’ve been cheated on, then you know how crippling it can be to your self-esteem. It can send a crumbling ripple effect to your ego, making you feel worthless for many months, if not years.
You play the blame game, and you play it well. You’re the victim, and you give your cheater immense power over you. You may look for answers but you may never get them. And because you don’t have a real answer as to why he cheated, all you can do is blame.
“If only I had complimented him more,” you think.
“If only I had more reasonable.”
“If only I was prettier… thinner… funnier.”
But let me tell you a secret: every time you say, “If only…,” you are cheating on yourself.
And when you cheat on yourself, it’s the ultimate betrayal. It means you don’t value who you are. You don’t respect your boundaries. You think you’re aren’t good enough.
So if YOU feel that way about yourself, why is he not allowed to think the same?
Why does he get all the blame, and you take none of it?
Of course, the cheater is initially responsible. But once it’s done and you find out, how you react to it is entirely up to you. If you can’t raise your head high, and know that what he did has nothing to do with you, then you are cheating on yourself.
Because it’s not okay for someone to abuse your trust.
It’s not okay for someone to give you less than 100% love and safety.
It’s not okay for someone to lower the bar in the relationship and pretend it’s otherwise.
The minute you think that it is okay, then you are cheating on yourself.
When you stop cheating on yourself, it means that you know you are worth someone’s time and emotional investment. It means you open to receiving greatness, and willing to give it someone else. But if you continue to cheat, then you will be forever stuck in sorrow.
Even if your spouse or partner doesn’t physically/sexually cheat on you, but he treats you poorly with emotional abuse, as long as you put up with it, you’re cheating on yourself.
So essentially, it doesn’t matter what is done to you by someone else. All that matters is how you honor yourself, and uphold your integrity with the highest level of respect.
Remember this when you feel the urge to text him looking for answers, or when your feelings were hurt and didn’t communicate them. Remember this if he blows you off for several hours, but then apologizes and you let him back in (when you know it doesn’t feel right). If you don’t trust your instincts but expect someone else to provide that trust for you, you will continue to cheat and be let down.
In my coaching practice, I always tell my clients to strengthen the voice within that says, “That’s not okay.” You truly know when it’s not okay – but be sure to say it. And if someone walks away from you after you say, “It’s not okay,” then let him go. He ain’t worth it.
You have this remarkable freedom to get what you desire, but only if you stay true to your word. As Miguel Ruiz says in his book, The Four Agreements:
“Being impeccable with your word is the correct use of your energy; it means to use your energy in the direction of truth and love for yourself… It is through the word that you manifest everything… Self-rejection is the biggest sin you can commit.”
But you know this already… you just needed a little reminder.
When we experience fear, worry, or sadness, we are not aligned with our true self, our Spirit, or the divine within. Our ego takes over and more often, we don’t even recognize that it is. Our ego is the opposite of divine love.
It gives us many false messages such as:
- You have been rejected due to the absence or departure of another
- Something was “done” to you and you don’t have control over it
- You feel abandoned or ignored due to the absence or departure of another When our ego takes over our mind, we feel powerless.
However, if you were aligned with your true self, you would receive these messages:
- The person who is no longer in your life clearly lives with fear. You wish them strength to conquer their fears, but you are glad you no longer are associated with a fearful person. Because after all, fear is contagious.
- You acknowledge and accept your actions that led you to the person that hurt you. You honor the event and receive a lesson from it. You experience gratitude towards the event, because it is a reminder that you were not living your truth, otherwise, the person would have never hurt you.
- There is no such thing as abandonment, because that word is only a perception of what is. You fill yourself with love and new things to do, now that this person is no longer in your life.
Rather than sitting with a void that you believe can only filled by another, you know that this void was already there before you met this person, and you will fill it with love for you.
In relationships, we falsely give the other immense responsibility to give you love.
A partner should be an addition to the love you already have, not the full source.
So when that person is no longer there, we feel an immense void and loss, and then tend to rely on other people or things to fill that void.
We fail to look within ourselves to do that work.
When you are aligned with your truth, you have a set of beliefs by which you live.
Now, think of your truth as your book of rules, per say.
Generally speaking, what happens when rules get broken? There are consequences – some kind of action needs to be taken, right?
Now let’s choose a better word over ‘rules’ because it sounds so rigid. Let’s call your rules boundaries instead.
So if you know your truth, then you have a set of boundaries. And if those boundaries ever get crossed, there are consequences!
Let’s say you’re dating someone new, and you are the kind of person who is punctual, and expects others to be the same. In your truth, respecting a person’s time is gravely important. People may not agree with your truth, but it doesn’t matter, it’s YOUR truth, not theirs.
However, if you offer your time and heart to someone, you expect someone to respect it – this is your boundary.
So, if your new date, whom you like, is consistently late, you will speak up. You may even gently pass a warning of a consequence (hint: no more dating you!).
Or you may not even give a warning, you may just dump them altogether.
So far, in this scenario, you are honoring your truth. You don’t like tardiness and you held your boundary.
Now here’s where you align with it:
- You don’t feel guilty about speaking up.
- Should your date be offended and never call you again, you don’t second guess yourself.
- You know how awesome you are, and you know that someone who is equally awesome will cross your path.
- And because of that, you won’t waste your time with someone who doesn’t respect it.
So here’s your first exercise to help you align with your truth. Write this down.
Step 1: What is one thing you believe strongly in? Pick anything – it could be your faith, politics, how you parent, how you date
Step 2: What are your hard core deal breakers – meaning, you will speak up or remove yourself from a situation should boundaries be crossed?
Step 3: How have you ignored this thing that you believe in? Think of examples from your past relationships, and what you didn’t do about it.
Step 4: How would you react differently, now that you have aligned with your truth?
Healing from a past relationship means knowing what you believe in now, so you don’t repeat the same mistakes later!
Since I’ve returned to coaching after my one-year hiatus, I’ve had 32 phone calls with women in just the past few weeks, from women all over the world. These women are either struggling to exit an unhealthy relationship, or they just left it, but are still dealing with their ex’s manipulative behavior. Each woman has a different story, but all of them share one consistent theme: they are over tolerating. They tolerate physical abuse, verbal abuse, alcoholism, gambling, porn addiction, or just fill in the blank, and they are tolerating that too. This is an epidemic facing women, and we are seeing it unfold in Hollywood, in Congress, in the workplace, and it’s been going on behind our white picket fences as well.
We need to speak up – for ourselves and for each other. Sexual assault and relationship abuse will only continue if we keep quiet. Each of us play a role in maintaining zero tolerance. Take a listen to this video, and comment below – how are you going to speak up, either in your relationship, or for someone you know?
If you find this issue just as important as I do, please share this page on your social media page, with friends, via email and use the hashtag #SpeakUp – let’s start breaking down the walls of silence!