I just finished reading a GREAT book that I thought would make for great discussion. Check out The Wife Between Us, which is about a woman navigating her marriage with a covert narcissist and sociopath. This book brought up A LOT of memories of my former marriage, and I saw a lot of myself in the main character, it was chilling at times!
The book is completely fiction and a total thriller, page-turner so for me, it didn’t bring up bad memories, per se; it just made me think about the “concept of illusion” that we create in our relationships. There is a quote that I underlined, which is what I talk about in my new video:
The woman who was in the abusive marriage says, “I was happy, I think, but I wonder now if my memory is playing tricks on me. It is giving me the gift of an illusion. We all layer them over our remembrances; the filters through which we want to see our lives.”
When we exit a toxic relationship, we often talk about what HE or SHE has done to US. What THEY did. Why? Because it’s a lot easier. It’s more black and white, and it helps us process what went wrong in the relationship.
But rarely do we talk about what WE did to OURSELVES. In my video, I talk about my former marriage and admitting that I created an illusion of “happiness” because I no longer wanted to experience the pain of my childhood. I was desperate for “happily ever after” and sought that in another person: my husband.
It wasn’t until I exited that marriage where I had to take a hard look at myself and recognized the illusion I co-created.
My friend, THIS is what helps us heal – when we look out what we did to ourselves, and not what the other person has done to us. When you can look at our “shadow,” as I mention in the video, and make peace with the illusion we created, it will set us free.
OMG I have just limped out of a relationship like this. I so needed to hear this. Thank You <3
Thank you for making this video. I was married for 33 years and have been divorced for about 3 years now (he is currently in prison). My illusion wall started to crumble after my daughter made a disclose and he went to prison. After my daughters doctor make a hurtful comment that ” I was groomed” . It made me take a hard painful look at what my marriage was really like. I had allowed my boundary through his covert manipulation to be pushed to were I believed everything he said or/and just kept my thoughts to myself. I had a strong illusion that we had a great marriage. I never allowed myself to dwell on the physical imitation or mental abuse that went on behind closed doors. My family never knew and I have never confided in anyone about the mental abuse that I went through. This is the first time I have ever felt like I could say something . You made me feel as I am not the only one that created the happy every after illusion. Thanks
Sharing with my friends and all the friends still believing my,covert narcissiatic ex. He is a master manipulator. Thank you for reminding me of my part in this ugly dance.
Very great talk. Thank you for sharing. I know see the illusion that I created to everyone that I was in a happy, healthy and loving marriage that behind the scenes was filled with betrayal and lies. I supported that image to my fiends and family. I was in deep shame that would happen to me and allowed the marriage to continue to the point I remarried him. I was lying to myself and everyone else. When we separated, like you, everyone was shocked as they thought we were the perfect coupe and aspired go be like us. Wow!! After the parties I would feel like he was over flirting with others and became uncomfortable. So much for me to learn that that behaviour was all about him needing validation from others. It has been 8 years now and we are divorced and I am on my own doing all the work that I can to heal and recover to have a healthy, happy and loving relationship with myself and maybe another man.